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[15 Aug 2005|11:04pm]

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[15 Aug 2005|09:01pm]
<img src="http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a334/candleinthewindxx/Animation9.gif" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">
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[22 May 2005|06:29pm]

<-- me

 <-- me and caitlyn

<--Alisha <3

<-- me and rebecca

I wish I had a picture of my boyfriend, but my digital camera is being gay. Aw dude. I miss mike. I want to smoke pot with mike really bad. I'll smoke with anyone actually.


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[01 Feb 2005|05:33pm]
I think I'm not in love with Jeff anymore. =0( I miss Brian. I cheated on Jeff with Brian. Jeff knows. Jeff took me back. Me and Brian don't talk anymore. I miss Brian, alot. I miss smoking pot too. Smoking pot is one of the best things ever. Pot + Coriciden made a really good couple on sunday. They made me happy. Unfortunatly, I am out of both. I loose. I am not happy. Today I drank some rubbing alcohol, but not enough to kill me. Nothing will kill me.

I hope me and Joelle make amends. She seems cool.. dumb, but cool.

I have to remind myself not to eat. I feel like dying.

I miss Alisha. Alisha tried to kill herself. She isn't in school. Alisha might go away. Why aren't people happy? Especially me. I should be happy. I should be happy, because my parents are in love, i'm pretty, my parents make a decent amount of money, Jeff loves me and I have good friends. Why am I so bummed?
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[02 Sep 2004|06:50pm]
School starts soon. Six days. So long sweet summer. I gotta go home and lisen to my dashboard record. I'm at my grandmas house right now. She lives in nyc. The only other person here is my uncle. He isn't much fun. He took a lot of drugs when he was my age and now hes all messed up. So, I'm pretty bored. Hence, I'm writing in here. Lets see..

August 12th was me and jeffs 3 month aniversery. Since he was going to be away on my birthday he decided throw me a little b-day party at his house on the same day. It was just me and him. He got me a cake and flowers and a dashboard confessional record. It was one of the best days ever. His best present was the sex we had before I left. It was absolutely amazing. Before that I had never really enjoyed sex.

My birthday was August 19th day. It sucked. Don't really want to go into detail.

I got a kitty! I named her Astrid.

I'm fasting before school begins. Today is day one of eating as little as possible. My weight now is 135. I need to get down to 100-115 untill I'll be happy.
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[30 Jul 2004|07:50am]
Wow I haven't written in a while. A lot has happened since I last wrote. School ended June 15th. The day before my regents me and my mom got into a horrible fight. It ended with me locked in my room swallowing all the pills I could find in the medicine cabinet. I swallowed around 40 advil and a bunch of Lexapro, then I went to sleep planning not to wake up. Some how I did wake up, but I felt horrible. I was shaking like you wouldn't belive and it was soo cold. I called my mom into my room and told her what I had done. Soon I was in the hospital swallowing this gross black stuff that made me throw up. My dad knew that I'd tried to kill myself, but he left for work anyway. To my surprise, he came back. My whole family came to visit me in the ER. Everybody cried a lot. That night I got to ride in an ambulence to a mental hospital in Harrison called St. Vincents. It was really late when we got there and I smelled and felt horrible. I cried when I had to say goodbye to my parents and my aunt. Then a nurse took me upstairs. I took a shower then I cried myself to sleep. I spent four days in the hospital. Four long days. Most of the kids in the hospital were there because they had ran away from their group homes. I was the only white girl there. We mostly sat around playing uno and watching BET. There were payphones that I could use, but only at certain times. I called arianna and she told me about the regents test. (a good thing about being in the hospital was that I missed taking the regents) I told Jeff what I did and it made him really sad. He even felt it was his fault, but it had nothing to do with him. The day I got out of the hospital Arianna and Rebecca came over. Rebecca gave me flowers and Arianna gave me a stuffed animal. I didn't tell either of them why I was in the hospital and I probably never will. Jeff came over after they had left. It was a good day indeed.

Besides that whole fiasco, summer has been day after day of total and complete relaxation. I learned how to make hemp and I've made at least a dozen necklaces and bracelets so far. I read a lot of books. My favorite one I've read so far was "The Tribes of Palos Verdes". It was about this girl who surfs and I loved it. My mother finished school so now she can be a teacher. I've spent a lot of time with Jeff just hanging out and lisening to records. I've also been to the beach and the pool with Rebecca and Arianna countless times. God, I love summer.

Tonight I'm leaving for Hilton Head Island with my family. We went there last year. My family's idea of fun, buy NOT mine. I'm gonna be so bored. I'm bringing hemp and some books. I'm also gonna sit by the beach and study for my regents. I'm taking them August 17th.

Allright, I'll write again later. Hope all is well with everyone.
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[23 May 2004|01:16pm]
Today was okay. It was like 85 degrees and really muggy. I woke up at 11:00 cause thats what I normally tend to do on sundays. My mom took me and arianna shopping. I needed some bras and sandels. We went to T.J max. I got 2 skirts and sandels, but no bras. Then we went for a walk into down-town suffern. I was wearing the jean skirt I just bought with an abercrombie top and my hair was all frizzy and kinda crimped. I looked like shit and just my luck we ended up running into Jeff. He was skate boarding there with mike s. and some other people. I felt bad cause I kinda ditched Arianna to be with him, but I hadn't seen him since friday night. All his friends were making fun of my neck. They say it looks like I was shot, but it's really a hickey. My parents so it 2 and they were like..ok? LoL. Hope everyone had a good day ttyl.
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[22 May 2004|10:40am]

Hi. I'm Katie. I'm really bad at introductions so just bare with me. I'm 14 turning 15 on august 19th (4 months!). I'm from a town in new york called suffern. It's peacful here in the suburbs. I go to suffern high school. Being a freshmen isn't exactly the worst thing in the world, but I think out of everyone I had the worst time adjusting.

I think people percive me as perfect or very close to it. This is not true. Yes, I am pretty. True, I have an amazing boyfriend and lots of "friends". I am very greatful for these things. What people don't know is that things weren't always like this. I've been threw more then you would ever belive. Cutting, eating disorders, sexual abuse, depression, anxiousness. All of wich have made me stronger.

I still cut. I can't imagine dealing with problems any other way. It used to be really bad. My right arm was just scraches up and down. Now my arm is scars up and down. Scars on top of scars. I don't do that much to conceal them. I used to cover them up, but it's to much to deal with in the summer. People can think what they want.

 I still have various eating disorders. I'll stave myself for days on end then eat twice my body weight in ben & jerrys. Belimia isn't an issue anymore. It hasn't been for about a month. It's gross and didn't help me loose any weight at all.

In december I was raped and in the forth grade I was sexually abused. Both times by my uncle. In the forth grade he was just my aunts fiance. I told my mother what had happened. She confronted him and he bull shitted his way out of it. A year later him and my aunt were married. Now they have a son and live just a block away from me. I still love my aunts dearly and their son jack almost makes it all worth it. As for my uncle I hope he dies asap.

Depression is something I've had for about a year now. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I'll get really sad for no apprent reason. I go to a doctor named Arlene Scwartz. She helps me with it. I think alot of my depression comes from what happened with my uncle and I just need to forgive, but never forget. My dad has depression as well. I guess it runs in my family? My dad used to take medicine for it. Then he got into accident with a machine at work. He severed 75% of his finger. He says he wouldn't of gotten into the accident if it hadn't been for the medicine cause he looked on the container and it said "careful while handling machinery". So now my dad doesn't take medicine anymore. He was a lot nicer on the medince. Because of the accident I'm not allowed to get medicine cause my parents are afraid it'll fuck me up like it did to my dad. Not being able to get medicine blows the big one cause I need another form of treatment besides therepy.

The whole anxiousness thing ties in wich depression. I go threw periods were all I do is worry and sweat and I get all shaky and its hard to breathe. It's the worst feeling in the world. I start to cry at random things and I'll get a feeling that someone close to me is dead. It's horrible, but it doesn't happen so much anymore. Thank god.

So thats all the bad stuff. Heres whats good.

I have a large group of friends. I'm the kind of person that can easily go from group to group. My two best friends are rebecca and arianna. We've been friends since the forth grade.

Rebecca: dark brown hair, tan, pretty, skinny. We share the same sence of humor and the same lack of common sence. We compete a lot and I know theres a lot of jealously between us, but I love her all the same.

Arianna: pin straight blonde hair, very light skin, on the chubby side, pretty face. I have no idea why I ever became friends with her. Were complete oppisites. She is constanly trying to help people and make sure everyone is happy. I'm the kind of person who laughs when someone falls (even though I know I should help them pick up their books). Complete oppisites. Arianna tries hard in school and is a solid  b-student. If I tried as hard as her I'd probably get As, but no I'm lazy. She plays lacrosse. She is a spoiled only child and she knows it. She tries so hard so that everyone will like her, wich oddly enough makes me want to not like her. Ironic, no? She gets very offended even at constructive critism. This doesn't stop me from telling her that shes an ass-kisser to both her parents. Wich she is and I think thats sad. No point in sucking up the people who ruing your life. All the same gotta love her.

What I don't like about rebecca and arianna is that they're so sheltered. When they found out I was cutting they both thought it was for attention. They just don't understand life outside of jap-ville suffern. Neither of them have experienced anything worse then say, oh, getting an F on a test. What a travisty.

My other close friend is Alisha. I've been friends with Alisha on and off for about two years. She is a charecter. Loud, rich, pretty, funny, lies, slutty. Words can't explain this girl. She just wants to have fun. Oh, and she has fun. Gets drunk. Has sex. Does whatever the hell she wants. Then theres another side of her that would help anybody wanna stay strong. When I told her I was raped she was there.

Then theres Holly. Holly cuts 2. Holly is popular. Holly seems perfect like me, but shes not. Shes the kind of friend I go to with anything. Usually when I go to her with something shes going threw it 2 or already has gone threw it. I love her shes great.

Holly has two other friends I've become pretty close with: Kaity and Taylor. Both or popular and ugly. Kaity is funny, sarcastic and laid-back. She sits behind me in math. Taylor is annoying, energetic, and ditzy. She sits behind me in english. Shes allways singing some random song that was popular in the 80s. So weird.

Then I have a whole group of friends that I met in science : Lou, Angela, Melissa, & Anne Marie. They are all "ghetto" or w/e you call it. Lou is a gentle giant. He is very tall and skinny but the sweetest person I have ever met. Angela is a very interesting person. She is very sexual. She will tap me on my back durning science and then when I turn around she'll tell me about how she was riding her dildo durning the weekend or something. She's also a bisexual and has told me she's attracted to me. No thanks. Melissa is athetic and slutty. She is a very smart girl but she doesn't seem to do good in school. She just doesn't try. She also has a good sence of humor. Anne Marie is anerexic and she ice-skates. Shes very girly and often bitchy. I think it's because she's hungry.

Marissa is one of my "friends". See, I have friends then I have "friends". Marissa talks behind my back, but then when I see her she acts like nothing is wrong. Marissa has opinions on things she knows nothing about. She has a lot of "friends", but no friends. I can see why. She is very whiney as well. She has an obsession with this druggy named Matt. He is a homosexual..literally. She knows this, but refuses to belive. She is supposedly in "love" with matt. Marissa is ugly and I do not like her, but nobody else does either so no sence in dropping her. That'd be mean and it wouldn't work.

I'm forgetting a lot of people, but I really don't wanna write about my friends anymore cause I'm dying to tell you about my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's name is Jeff. He is the best person I have ever met in my life. He looks like donnie darko. Before we went out he was one of my best friends. He sits in front of me in history and we have spanish and gym together. He noticed the cuts on my arms one day and decied he was going to help me, even though he didn't know me. Isn't that the most amazingly amazing thing ever? This kid saved me. He is in a metal band and hangs out with a lot of the punkish people. He is popular with everyone. Well, not teachers, but thats okay. I love this kid. He truly saved me. Everybody wants to be saved. His smile brings me to my knees. Especially if I'm the one making him smile.

One last person I need to introduce you 2 and then I'm done. His name is Mike. Mike is tall and big. Not fat, but big. He's also really white and doesn't tan, just burns. Mike put me threw hell. I was obsessed with this kid. I would think about him constantly. He'd say he'd like me then next thing I knew he was dating this girl named emily. Emily has a fucked up nose. He cheated on emily with me. He made me cut myself. He told people I cut. He talked about me. He LIED to me. He said he loved me. This kid put me threw hell, but I loved him anyway. I hate him and I hope he dies.

Okay I'm done. Will write again asap.


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[22 May 2004|09:34am]
new journal. just testing
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